Some Thoughts on the Application, pt. 2: How to fix a bad SoP

People in JET circles agree that the SoP, or Statement of Purpose, is the most important part of the application. You get two double spaced pages to tell the consulate why Japan, why you, and what you can do for them. Stellar qualifications but a shit SoP won't land you an interview. When I wrote mine, I dug around the internet for both successful and unsuccessful SoPs written by previous applicants.

As a scientist-in-training, I think writing the JET SoP is sort of like hypothesis testing. Logic of Science tells us that hypotheses can never be proved, only disproved. (Sure, they can be supported by a lot of evidence, but once one study shows the contrary using solid science, the hypothesis goes down the drain or gets reworked.) Reading successful SoPs can show you as a writer what works, but that alone doesn't guarantee your own success. On the other hand, if your SoP sounds like an unsuccessful applicant's, you can be sure to kiss your interview prospects goodbye. 

Here are few SoP examples I looked at that may also be useful.

Successful, Australia, 1994

Successful, USA, 2006

Successful, Canada, 2006

Successful, 2005

Successful, New Zealand 2013 (for CIR position)

Unsuccessful, USA, 2004

For my SoP, I ended doing about 4 drafts, with significant revisions between each draft. I also got about 10 people total to read and give feedback during the drafting process. 

Here is the Statement of Purpose prompt (for the US 2016 cycle):

Submit an application statement of purpose / essay regarding your motivation for applying to the JET Program. Applicants should take this opportunity to address the following:

●     Why you wish to go to as a participant of the JET Program and why you are interested in the position for which you are applying (ALT or CIR).

●     What effect you hope to have on the Japanese community and internationally as a result of your participation in the JET Program.

●     How your experiences, professional skills, and relevant interests will be useful to you as an ALT or CIR, and will further the objectives of the JET Program.

●     What you hope to gain, both personally and professionally, from your JET experience if you are selected and how participation will assist you in your future career.

Applicants should take this opportunity not only to explain their motivation for applying, but also to showcase their knowledge of standard conventions for proper American English grammar and spelling.

Here's the first draft I wrote. It's shit. And I'll tell you why.

"I have been aware of Japanese popular culture and media since becoming part of its audience, but it was my study of iaido (the martial art of drawing the katana) that led me to cultivate an active interest in the every-day traditions of Japan. I find training to be akin to living history, but as an American, I cannot comprehend unique Japanese nuances of budo. I would like to use the cultural exchange opportunities of the JET Program to gain an unfiltered understanding of Japan through living, training, and working with her countrymen, while serving the community by sharing with the students I meet my own experience of life as an American.  

The opportunity to develop a working relationship with Japanese students as an Assistant Language Teacher is one main reason behind my interest in the JET Program. I enjoy teaching and meeting young kids; each carries a unique perspective from which I can learn valuable life lessons. As an aspiring academic, I am interested in seeing the world of Japanese education through the eyes of its youngest generations, and in Japan specifically because of the importance its education system places on extracurricular clubs. My personal breadth of experience in many activities, from martial arts and woodshop to science and music, has helped me identify those pursuits I find most interesting, and I would like to support other students to do the same.  

The skills I developed as a result of practice in several activities will be useful to me as an ALT both in the classroom and out. I studied Kenpo Karate for twelve years, and spent six of them as an assistant instructor. I taught kids of all ages with a hands-on approach while keeping things fun with focus-, and motor skill-developing games. I am confident that my experience teaching karate will translate well to teaching English in an engaging way. My fifteen years of music education have taught me to be comfortable singing and performing in front of others, a vital skill in a classroom that often turns to music as a teaching aid. Because music transcends the boundaries of language, it can connect two cultures and provide common ground for mutual understanding. 

Through the cultural exchange opportunities of the JET Program I hope to gain a firsthand understanding of Japanese culture’s most positive qualities. My responsibilities as an ALT will be a valuable source of experience upon which I can draw in my future career as an academic research scientist, where I will be expected to teach students and collaborate internationally with other researchers. On a personal level, my training in iaido has helped change the way I view personal merit for the better. An opportunity to train for an extended period of time in Japan would help me understand how Japan and America differ in their approach to the same art.  

Because I credit my iaido training with much of my personal development in college, I would like to return the favor. Through the JET Program, I can benefit the community in one of the few ways I am able: supporting its youth and future generations through cultural enrichment. By embodying the melting pot spirit of America, I can show that inter-cultural experiences help make a well-rounded individual capable of successful relations with others regardless of nationality. Finally, I can contribute to and be a representative of positive international relations during a time in which world leaders struggle to find common ground. Internationalization at the grassroots level will become the foundation upon which the future leaders of Japan, America, and the rest of the world can build friendship and mutual understanding in the years to come."

Eughh *shudders*. If your SoP sounds like this, start editing now. The first problem with this draft is that it lacks specifics. It's too much like a resume, and I've taken everything good that I want to say and abstracted it to. no. end. Instead to telling the reader, "studying historical Japanese swordsmanship for several years helped me realize that Japanese and American approaches to education are culturally distinct," I beat around the bush with "[I] cannot comprehend unique Japanese nuances of budo." The former version is objective about my experiences and what I gained from them, while the latter uses buzzwords that seem strong, but tell the reader nothing at all (How is Japanese budo unique? Why can't you comprehend its nuances?) 


The problem of too much abstraction is found all throughout this essay. When I mention my karate teaching experience in paragraph three, I say only that I taught students, but fail to explain how that experience will help me teach English to Japanese kids. In contrast, this version from my final essay does explain my translatable skills: 

"The leadership, mentorship, and student-interaction skills I gained in the karate studio will stay with me across disciplines. My students often lacked the focus and work ethic of their higher-ranked peers, and a few had short attention spans or learning disorders. I learned to be successful with these kids by keeping my vocabulary simple and supplementing vocal instruction with gestures and demonstrations." 

Much better.

The awful "Japanese nuances of budo" also has the problem of putting Japan on an idealized pedestal. Budo isn't some mysterious, magical secret art taught only to the wisest in the land. It's simply a hobby I discovered and enjoy very much. If your SoP is built on loving anime/manga/J-rock etc., it is very easy to fall into this kind of idealization. The pedestal problem rears its ugly head again in paragraph four. The first sentence of that paragraph ignores the reality of living and working in Japan - it won't be all fun and games. I'll see the not-so-positive aspects of the country as well. The JET Program is looking for people who can thrive such an environment, and if this essay is anything to go by, its author isn't one of them.


One of the main themes I wanted (but failed) to emphasize was that of cultural exchange via shared experiences and common ground. In the shit essay above, the first time I mention this theme is towards the end of paragraph 3: "Because music transcends the boundaries of language, it can connect two cultures and provide common ground for mutual understanding." On first reading, this may seem like a strong claim, but it doesn't fit in the context of JET or my job as an Assistant Language Teacher. It currently tries to lend support to a paragraph about the skills I can bring to the table, but fails to tie those skills into what I'll actually be doing in the classroom. This is fixed in the final version of my SoP: 

"The popularity of western classical music in Japan is a prime example of how international exchange can benefit a country’s artistic culture. I am a cellist with a love of classical music, and sharing my passion will hopefully encourage my students to share theirs, establishing common ground where we can learn from one another. In the classroom, my performance experience has taught me to be comfortable singing and presenting myself in front of an audience, and joining the music club or orchestra is one way I can become an active participant in school life." 

This version fixes all of the problems. First, it establishes why I am talking about music in the context of JET - it is an example of the benefits of cultural exchange. Then I weave in the theme of cultural exchange via common ground before explaining 1. why my musical training is useful in the classroom, and 2. how music will factor into my participation in school life. 


This essay also fails to adequately address important parts of the prompt, which asks candidates to explain how JET will benefit them personally and professionally. Here are the parts that address the latter, from paragraphs two and four:

"As an aspiring academic, I am interested in seeing the world of Japanese education through the eyes of its youngest generations, and in Japan specifically because of the importance its education system places on extracurricular clubs. ... My responsibilities as an ALT will be a valuable source of experience upon which I can draw in my future career as an academic research scientist, where I will be expected to teach students and collaborate internationally with other researchers."

None of this tells the reader how JET will benefit me as a research scientist beyond the vaguest of senses. If I picked Japan only because of its clubs, I might as well find a school in American where clubs are popular. This is weak support. The second half of the excerpt also contains sweeping general statements. Why will JET be valuable? How is teaching grade school kids English relevant to science? What I should focus on instead is the cultural exchange aspect of the Program, which I mention only briefly at the end of the excerpt. Here is how I fixed this in the final paper:

"While music and other arts bridge cultural divides, science bridges societal ones by using international collaboration to solve problems relevant to all humanity. I look forward to cultivating professional relationships across political and cultural borders through my work with researchers from Japan and around the world. My participation in the JET Program will be a valuable resource upon which I can draw to broaden my international perspective as I pursue these goals in my career as a genetics researcher." 

I've made it less about the benefits of teaching, and instead emphasized why cultural exchange is important in the research world.


There are many more things I could say about the content of this essay, but I will close this post with the comments of one of the people who looked over my draft:

"You could definitely have better flow/transitions between paragraphs and better organization in general. The transition sentences are somewhat related, but they still somehow seem jarring. Your writing style is very unremarkable. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but there is very little voice to it and shows little personality and thus you have to make your application memorable in a different way. You are really going to have to capitalize on what you can bring to this program and package it in such a way that makes it stand out. Right now, it’s very boring and somewhat scattered. You’re bringing in a lot of points that you aren’t explaining completely and it makes your activities seem superficial, when we know that you’re intensely committed to everything you choose to do. Take two or three things that you really love to do and you’re really good at and tie that into what you can contribute to this program. And if you can’t think of how it relates, THINK HARDER!!! If you can’t apply what you learn from one activity to other things, you haven’t thought about it completely enough. Bottom line: Why would this program be a good fit for both of you? What can YOU personally bring to this program and what can THIS program bring for you?"

Good luck to those writing their SoP. Remember that it's ok to get help and advice from better writers!